Parenthood

It's a rainy, ugly day here in Dallas, which has me feeling a little blue. Perhaps there is also the addition of hormones in my body which accompanies pregnancy, or just the fact that I feel completely and totally exhausted after the last couple of weeks. Hudson finally went back to school this morning, though I admit he still isn't 100 %, he is doing better. I am optimistic that he might actually eat something today and I am thankful for the chance to breathe.

It's no secret that parenting is difficult, on many levels, much more so than I could have ever imagined. Generally and comparatively speaking, we have a pretty fabulous kid on our hands. So what do I have to feel blue about? Well, it's been a REALLY long, very difficult couple of weeks for us. Looking back, I think perhaps there was just too much change for Hudson in the month of December and his little body just couldn't adjust...he was out of school for two weeks, we took two very short trips to California and back, traveled into different time zones, was sick with four trips to the doctor, 2 ear infections and a tummy bug, and a complete and total loss of our "normal" day- to-day routine.

In a lot of ways Scott and I feel like we have a newborn again. We were so proud when we "sleep trained" Hudson and he started sleeping through the night at 4 months old. It absolutely changed our lives as parents and gave us a small part of our lives back. We were so incredibly thankful for that, but now...Hudson hasn't slept through the night in weeks and I know it's all related to the changes we put him through this month.

Prior to the month of December, things were in a really good place. After all, we're having another baby, so we must have (to some degree) felt like we were ready and could handle the addition of another baby. Post December, I'm starting to think we're crazy. This is not to say that I'm not incredibly excited about the little one growing in my belly, I am, but if I'm being honest, the reality is setting in and now I'm just plain terrified.

I thought about this a lot last week when Hudson was so sick he wouldn't leave my side. What would I do if this was happening AND the new baby was here. The answer is, I don't know, and this is what scares me. Sure, we can hire someone to help us, and we probably will have to, but is it wrong that I don't really want to? In a perfect world we'd have family right here, down the street, willing and able to lend a hand when the going gets rough. But we don't. I mean, who the heck wants to live in Dallas? We'd also have an established, strong, supportive network of friends to carry us through the tough days, but we don't have that either, which makes life incredibly difficult some days and weeks. The fact remains that we are where we are, even if we'd rather be somewhere else, and all we can do is make the best of it.

I know that we have a lot to be thankful for, and a lot to look forward to, and this is what keeps me going. The occasional flutter in my tummy is a reminder that we're bringing another life into this world, and that is nothing short of wonderful. Months like the one we just had feel like tests of our strength as parents and I'm not quite sure we've passed with flying colors. No one can tell you what it's like to be a parent. When you don't have children you have an idea of what it's like, but frankly, you just have no clue. How can you? Being a parent is something you can't explain with words or read about in books, it's something you must experience first hand. The love you have for your child, the willingness to do whatever it takes to make their life safe, happy and wonderful is beyond explanation, but it's also REALLY hard work. There are SO many wonderful, make-you-smile moments that come with the challenges of parenting though, so that even those trips down the stairs, half awake at 1 o'clock in the morning, can be wonderful when you're met by your child with an enormous, "thank-god-you're-here" hug. Words can't explain that feeling.

So, as I am reflecting on the last month and how tough it's been, I am also proud of our ability to get through it. I am also reminded that so many parents go through things much more difficult than a few weeks of sleepless nights and a child with an ear infection and I am thankful that even on bad days/months, we've got it pretty darn good.